Thursday, 15 May 2014

In need of sleep/coffee/hug... not necessarily in that order [parent's guilt]

I Need a Hug Tee - Love Culture

Today has definitely been a "I need a hug" kind of day.... which I did get from my friend's lovely mum on the way home, and/or a "i need a glass of wine" day which I did get hand delivered to my door from my friend and neighbour after she saw Siena's face when we walked past her house... apparently it said it all!

Nothing particularly bad happened. I had a long meeting at the bank, which went well, but the whole time I was trying to appear serious and professional while I had Hugo crying/making a mess with his food all over the floor/being sick on me/being needy& unhappy due to teething... as well as Siena constantly talking and asking what the lady was saying, and why was she saying "yeah?" on the phone as well as drawing while pretty much sat on said lady's lap. The contrast from my professional self the day before could not be more extreme!

But really, when it comes down to it, nothing seriously bad has happened. It is most likely down to the fact that I have not slept properly for over a year now due to pregnancy and then Hugo only sleeping approximately 10 full nights since he was born almost ten months ago. The day to day madness doesn't help either. Ten months is a long time to go when waking up every night at least once... and lets not forget that this includes no lie-ins as the baby and the 3 year old take it in turns to ensure that at least one of them is awake from 5.30am everyday... This in turn messes with your mind: I recently forgot my postcode... completely blanked out and had to look it up! slightly awkward as I had to confirm it to someone (can't remember who though...)!

Sleep deprived

I just can't help but wonder... how do other parents manage? I know that every parent faces their own difficulties in one way or another... but surely there must be some sort of answer to this madness? And don't even get me started on the headache that is dealing with Siena starting school (how to working parents sort out drop off/pick up times? what about holidays?? aaaaaaaaaaah!). I can't help but wonder whether there is some magical secret out there that I am not yet privy to.

One of my (childless) friends often says to me when talking of her friends with children how much they love being a mum and they have really embraced the role etc. And every time I hear her say this, it makes me worry that this is not how I come across when I talk about motherhood. My friends often joke that I am a good form of contraception as I say it as it is when I talk to them about it. At first I joined in the joke. But lately, it bothers me, and it makes me feel bad and guilty. I do love being a mum. Honestly, I do! But I just find it so blooming hard!!

It is true I do not often talk about the children at work to my colleagues, or to some of my friends. But that is mainly because they don't have children, and I know that once I start talking about them, I can't stop as I have so many stories and things to share about how amazing I find them (most of the time, you know, when they're not having a tantrum/crying/arguing they're not tired). And then I am worried of becoming that girl who talks 24/7 about her children like some crazy cat lady would of her cats...

I know many mothers talk of how they feel guilty about being at work, rather than at home with their children. But in my case, I think that I feel better at work because I know that the children will be in an amazing environment, full of friends, healthy food, lots of fresh air, activities, games, and many other oh! so wonderful things. Is that really bad?? Because between you and me, I can't help but feel that I am completely making up this whole parenting thing as I go along! 

I know I am not doing a bad job. That I have happy, healthy children who give me the most amazing smiles when they see me. I know that really, this whole sleep deprivation malarkey is messing with my brain and everything will get a little easier when Hugo starts sleeping through the night (and I am hoping that's all there is to it!).

How do you cope with sleep deprivation? Do you worry how you come across when talking about your experience of parenting? Please do share or at least send me a virtual hug... thank you :)

:)  I need a hug
PS: this made me laugh! and who doesn't love dogs dressed up?

ridiculous dogs - Bing Images
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*All images are from Pinterest*
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