Thursday, 20 February 2014

Taking a step back... or three

Oh dear.. Just realised how long it's been since my last post... That's no good, must definitely do something about lack of posting!
 
 
Things have been manic lately. I know I am not the only one, but man I crave just a quiet moment (day?week?) where I could just sit back, close my eyes, and relax. I am sure it will happen eventually, but not just yet.
 
Hugo turned seven months yesterday, and is developing into a beautiful little boy. But these seven emotion-filled months, quite frankly, haven't been the easiest. Losing my godmother and grandfather, who have truly influenced and made me the woman I am today, still feels raw. Jane's house went on the market earlier this week, and seeing the photos of her house online really was painful. Add to that about a year of lack of sleep (I'm counting in pregnancy loss of sleep in that if you're doing the maths ;) Going back to work. Having my little sister, who understands me like no one else, moving away to Australia (Chloe if you read this I am so excited for you but will miss you more than I love green!)... I'm a little bit fragile at the moment to say the least. I also think that the lack of sleep is seriously affecting me as I seem to cry. A lot. And normally I really don't cry that easily. But once it comes out... it doesn't stop!
 
Despite everything going on, I discovered running and really seemed to get into it. I was toning up, slimming down, and enjoying running outdoors. But most of all, I guess it gave me time for me, and kept me sane. Unfortunately, my body hasn't quite healed as I would have liked after having my beautiful bambino, and the pains I would occasionally get, are now constant. Naturally "cancer" comes to mind, especially as the symptoms seems spookingly similar to ovarian cancer and after  what my family has been through, well you can't blame me for worrying...
 
Anyway, undergoing tests for that at the moment. In the meantime, after some forceful convincing from Barry and Chloe, and after a lot (!) of tears, I've decided to take a step back, or three, and focus on getting better... which means I have had to cancel all my races :( I find this truly upsetting as my training was going better than I could have imagined before the pain got worse. But mostly, I can't help but feel I'm letting Jane and my family down, as I was determined to make the most of being alive and raising money for Cancer Research.... This might sound silly. Deep down I know I am doing the right thing for my body. And truth is, I'm exhausted emotionally as well as physically. So if I was to push myself through the marathon, or even the half, I will probably cause a lot damage than good... As Chloe said, I can always run next year, or as soon as my body is fully healed, and once I've let myself grieve properly.
 
For now, I am just taking a few steps back from the whirlwind, so that I can come back up stronger and ready.
 
 
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