Monday, 2 September 2013

Losing a loved one

Post dated 31st September 2013

After an eight month battle, my god mother lost her fight with lung cancer and passed away on Saturday. Once she was told the cancer had spread everywhere, she appeared to make her peace with death, and was able to go peacefully in her sleep, with some of her loved ones by her side.
We all deal with grief in various ways... Some people's emotions are very visible and they may find that tears come easily. Others get angry, reviewing the person's life and asking what was the point of it all. I'm still unsure as to my reaction to grief. I usually find that I an unable to cry about it, no matter how much I want to. Or I may cry a little, but will not let myself completely go, no matter how much I feel this would help as a good form of release. The problem with this is that I worry I come across as if I do not care or have any emotional reaction to the loss of a loved one. I also worry is this is not a normal way to react, or even a healthy one... I do know however that I find it helps me to keep busy and focus on the living, namely the loved ones left behind. Although this is also the heart breaking part as it is the living that must learn to cope with the loss.
I cannot imagine for one moment losing my brother or sister, and so it breaks my heart to imagine what my mother is currently going through. My godmother was her sister, and they have always been really close. The last few years have definitely been difficult. Three years ago, my godmother's husband passed away unexpectantly in his early fifties. Then, shortly after Siena's birth, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to have a mastectomy. Thankfully she has since received the all clear. My grand-dad was then diagnosed last August with cancer, so my god mother moved up North to care for him and my grand-mother on a full-time basis, before being diagnosed herself earlier this year.
My godmother and grand parents have been a really strong influence throughout my life, making me the woman I have become today. I will therefore ensure that I treasure each memory I have from them, as well as every lesson they taught me (and there were many!) in the hope of passing them down to my children. Unfortunately, this is part of one's journey in life. However, as my godmother recently pointed out, where there is illness and death, there is also life and joy. Indeed, when I attended my uncle's funeral, I was heavily pregnant with Siena, and she kicked throughout the whole service, as if cuddling me from the inside (or at least that's how I interpreted it). This time round, I was pregnant and then gave birth to Hugo. My godmother got to meet him a few weeks ago when I went to stay with her.
I still cannot believe that she is no longer with us in life. Like my mum, she was a strong, independent woman. She was loved by many, and had many friends in the North but also in London where she'd spent most of her adult life. She loved going to France to spend time with my mum and sunbathe, and she was considering moving to France. She had also discovered a love for running in the last few years and had completed the Great North Run as well as the Brighton Marathon amongst others. Whenever I spent time with her, we would always discuss everything and anything. I would always joke that our long drives from London to County Durham, when visiting my grandparents, were like counselling sessions as she was very good at making me talk about various life issues.
Sadly, it is especially at times like these that you realise just how important it is to enjoy life while you can, and to spend time with loved ones, or at least to tell them you love them as often as you can. As my godmother told me earlier this year... "It is important that we focus on our blessings in life of which there are many x".
Rest in peace Jane, I am glad that you are no longer suffering and went peacefully. But I miss you, and will think of you always.
Post a Comment
Pin It button on image hover